Prologue:
I only intended to write once this week. And make a post about it. But this week was hell. I know there has been worse. Especially in January. But I think there was so much going on. I think this reflected the epitome of what normalizing work within a pandemic is like. It’s a long one, so thanks for tuning in.
Feb. 07, 2022
Teaching feels like an endless race
Three weeks ago, I told myself that I needed a better relationship with time so I started using my planner to get myself organized again. Ngl, it’s been super helpful. I’m able to manage my tasks and prioritize better.
But every week feels so hectic. There’s literally hella shit to do just so I can stay slightly ahead or on time. And whenever I want to take personal time to myself, it puts me behind.
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m constantly going. I just want things to stop. I need a fucking break.
Like yeah, I can take a mental health day. But that doesn’t stop the anxiety from building. From the mountain of things that I need to get done.
Honestly, I could just not care as much. My problems would go away. But then nothing would get done, and what good does that do. A lot of these steps are necessary for the long run. It’ll help make my class more efficient. And allow me to be a better teacher.
But every day, week, and year for the past six years has felt like I’ve been chasing something. I’m glad that I have a goal in mind. But I’m tired.
I can do this.
Feb. 9, 2022
I felt better about today.
And then I didn’t. I got home exhausted. Ready to take everything on. But first, I decided a mental breather would be good. Turned into my body resting. Healing—from switching between teacher, video producer, editor, secretary, department head, events manager, salesperson, moving guys, teacher, and driving home.
All to get an email from a colleague criticizing my work at 7:51 PM. Who sends an email at 7:51 PM? I’m glad it was your time to have a glass of red wine and complain about a crucifix that my religious mother hung up in my room that doesn’t bother me but apparently bothers you.
It ruined my evening.
I don’t like being hung up on things. Because there’s better uses of my time. But I also know I’m bad at letting myself feel emotions. But that derailed my mental health breather.
I made a personal choice to respect my boundaries just for someone to invade them and throw off my motivation to do more work at home.
And now I’m out of time.
I get 4-6 hours of time to script, record, edit, prep, lesson plan, work out, stream, eat, shit, shower, sleep, meal prep. I don’t have time for your comment that is self-serving.
Ugh. I spend my whole day holding space for other people. And when I do for myself. It’s disrupted.
It’s a privilege that my main concerns are these. That I get to be concerned about myself—when budget cuts are happening. There are even larger problems going on. But my concern is I’m off track for my job responsibilities.
I’ll be okay.
Feb. 10, 2022
I don’t think any amount of money would make a teacher feel better.
I mean yes, of course, we need higher wages for teachers.
Realistically we need respect and time.
I get up and get ready at 6:30AM.
I spend 7 hours and 55 minutes on the clock. [I believe] Contractually obligated to be on-site until 4:00PM. 8 hours.
Depending on whether or not I have meetings can add another hour (at minimum) to my stay on campus. 9 hours.
Go home. 10 hours.
If I have capacity. I script, record, or edit lesson plans. 3 hours.
This brings us to about 9:00PM. In between that time, dinner occurs. So now it might be more like 10:00PM. Shower. Shit. Sleep. Pack some lunch. It might be more like 11:30PM if not midnight.
That leaves between 4-6 hours to hustle. So now you might wonder. Wait when did you grade? Or handle your department head/administrative duties? Or when did you do something for yourself?
At the sacrifice of properly facilitating for my students—I have to spend my class time juggling student aid, editing lessons, grading, and my department responsibilities. Yeah, I get two prep periods. But sometimes I’m subbing during those periods.
On top of that we’re facing budget cuts so I may lose some of my better newer teachers over the veteran-traditional-resisit-to-change teachers.
I feel like I’m rambling. So much happened this week. And hosting my department meeting was mentally/emotionally/physically draining. After helping run/supply the course fair for students into leading a meeting on changes to the E/LA dept.
And trying to navigate the pushback storm.
I have not been present at work. And it’s hard for me to even get any work done.
Even resting isn’t recharging me.
“I think teaching is the only job you have to work, before you get to work, so you have work to do at work. Then because I had no time at work to do work, I have to work after work to catch up on the work I didn’t do while at work”
Meme
Feb. 11, 2022
Finally made it to the end of the week. I’ve been so checked out since Tuesday. Our school counseling team created a Course Fair to help students learn about their course options for the upcoming enrollment period. Many AP teachers were confused and upset because they’re used to having an exclusive AP fair event to poach their potential students.
AP teachers here are notorious for seeking enrollment. Because their reputation precedes the learning of their curriculum. The past three weeks, I’ve been getting Karen emails from my staff because they keep mixing misinformation with what I’m getting directly from our admin.
It’s like, do you not understand that I’m being very transparent? And that’s all the information they’re giving us as liasons? Just chill and wait. People really stress out over very little things in schools. I know I do, but at least I try to be solution-oriented before asking questions before I found an answer or got stumped.
This week honestly started off really strong. But the Course Fair itself physically drained me. I volunteered to let the counseling team use my tables. But that’s moving 14 decently heavy, long, wooden tables from the 2nd floor to the nearby blacktop. We’d bring them down during 3rd period. Then I also participated in ‘selling’ students their English course options because my staff only talked about their AP courses. For whatever reason, San Francisco was hot both days. Then move my tables back up for 4th period.
Outside of the course fair, I still needed to create an agenda for my department meeting. Which I made it just in time to share before the meeting. But the meeting itself post-course fair was even more draining.
SFUSD passed to have Ethnic Studies as a graduation requirement. And so the E/LA department found that it should align itself with that change. It can be seen as a simple swap of themes for these courses. 9th is currently “World Literature” and 10th is currently “Ethnic Experiences in Literature”.
Quite vague themes, but by title it makes sense that 9th graders should be taking an English course that compliments their Ethnic Studies requirement. This ultimately would lead to a more intentional redesign of the E/LA curriculum to implement interdisciplinary collaboration and curriculum. Sounds great to be honest. I’ve been working with the district team on various components of this larger project since 2019.
And my veteran staff are against it. I mean I know they’ve been. But for the first time as department chair and in a department meeting they finally pushed back. Because I tried to take us one step forward.
I’m fine with the pushback. It’s just the questions that some asked and the belitting of another staff member, who is a part of the E/LA team and a teacher on-site. My staff has been constantly incentivized. That is the only way to get people to do things. They need a carrot hanging in front of them just to do their job. Or for mroe to be asked of them. But I refuse to do that.
I get it. Teachers already do TOO MUCH. But changing/cycling through grade levels, writing new curriculum. Isn’t that the job of a teacher? That’s what we were trained to do.
As mentioned in the other entries, I don’t have enough time to do my job properly. I get that I don’t have all the time to write a 9th grade curriculum either. But If I have to, I will.
Epilogue:
I guess the light at the end of the tunnel was that some of my staff told me they don’t dread department meetings ever since I became chair. And that meetings felt productive.
I also had the chance to participate as a Guest Teacher Panelist for a graduate class at San Francisco State University, which was fun. Students told me I was a great storyteller. And the professors said they’d love to have me back in the next rotation. I think I’ll save my experience on that for another post. Or create specific topics reflecting on questions they asked. It was nice being able to talk to rising teachers. Because that’s the whole reason, I created this blog in the first place.
Balasbas Says 