Balasbas Says

Department Head dealing with entitlement and side-deals pt. 3

Prologue: It’s May 12th, 2022. And I am tired. Emotionally drained. I don’t remember the last time I took a beer out of the fridge as a way to detox, which is what I did last night. I made some graduation leis on stream to do something mind-numbing.

Today we’re revisiting pt. 1 of this series. I wonder if I’ll just make a series of these side-deals. In pt. 1, we met with a teacher who was asking me to manipulate the schedule to accommodate her needs. ‘Happy employees means they can work better. I agree. Something like a 4-day work week would or a better framework would make me happy. But not a bandaid solution that’s self-serving for only one employee.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult, messy, and chaotic meetings I’ve ever organized and facilitated. I was so nervous, biased, and indignant that I couldn’t speak at times. And had to lean on the EL Coordinator to articulate my thoughts that were on the agenda.

Well, let’s get into this final department meeting for the year.

___________

On May 4th & 5th, I honestly had some of the chillest days I had in a while. Per my last entries, I for once didn’t get any emails about some sort of complaint. Or space I needed to uphold for their white fragility. I did have other meetings that I forgot about. But it was chill. The weekend was relaxing. I was home alone for Mother’s Day. So come Monday, May 9th. I was recharged from a restful weekend, but called into my admin’s office to talk about master scheduling again.

On Friday, May 6th. My admin set up a meeting with this teacher to tell them that they’re going to teach Sheltered English 1 courses instead of all 5 classes being English 1.

To be clear, this teacher has been teaching English 1 her entire career. Before I was born.

This teacher brought another one of our colleagues to the meeting, probably for back up. They complained about scheduling and what is going to happen to these Sheltered classes now that my English Learner Coordinator is leaving this school year.

Admin dropped the hammer and said it’s assigned to them. This teacher obviously got upset. They asked

“Why are only English 1 (9th grade) teachers being asked?”

So bother teachers began to look at the schedule and ask about “Well what about this teacher [millienial, sheltered 12th grade teacher] or this teacher [millienial ELD 12th grade & Yearbook teacher] or this teacher [millienial ELD 10th grade teacher] or this teacher [Student life coordinator and 10th grade teacher] or this teacher [12th grade teacher and a Teacher on Special Assignment for the district]?”

They even went as far as questioning one of the other teachers I wrote about in pt. 2. Because they’re losing their extra prep period, they obviously have space to teach 9th graders despite them teaching 12th grade AP Lit/Euro Lit???

Clearly targeting younger teachers. Clearly showing that they think these young teachers don’t do anything. 3/5 Millenial teachers already teach ELD/sheltered. And 3/5 are already involved with another role for the site/district in some other capacity.

As I’ve stated in pt. 2, I met with hella of my staff to ask if they could take on these Sheltered classes and they said no—especially those who already teach Sheltered 10th grade or ELD 2.

The irony in the teachers targeted in the passage above is that all those teachers volunteered to step up to take Sheltered English 1 if no one took it.

The conversation between admin and my staff ended with the teacher saying,

“Why am I being punished [with Sheltered English 1]?”

Punished.

Teaching English Learners is punishment. So does that make teaching kids with IEPs/504s a punishment? Differentiating is punishment?

These are the teachers at my school. Why are you even a teacher if you’re going to call English Learners your punishment?

If you don’t want to teach ELs or Special Ed students. Go work at a private or charter school. But really, how can you call yourself a teacher if that’s how you view students.

This isn’t even about how overworked or stretched thin teachers are. This is just a toxic, racist perspective this teacher has of our growing population of immigrant students.

Both teachers suggested that (the back up teacher) was previously department head and could make this master schedule work in 30 minutes.

_____

So on Monday, May 9th. I met with this admin. They were still trying to process what happened on Friday, May 6th. And they suggested that I have my department make the master schedule in 30 minutes. They said “We used to just write everything down [and bing bang boom] it’s done”

30 minutes huh. My EL Coordinator and I already wanted to host a discussion to reimagine what Sheltered/EL classes could be. So we wrote the Purpose/Vision we have for this department and some rationales to help explain why.

A colleague in the Fall told me, “I shouldn’t have to explain myself [for changes I advoate for]” which I agreed to. And I still do. But I realize that these veteran teachers aren’t hearing me.

They think I’m some sort of lap dog or puppet to the admin. That these changes I’ve implemented this year weren’t my decision. But some omniscient power. And I want to make that clear.

We ultimately drafted this:

I was hoping this would help frame and if anything even convince colleagues to take on Sheltered English 1. That this could start a conversation of reimagining the support we have for each and every student, especially our ELs.

But no. This 30-minute activity of creating a master schedule. I learned that many of my teachers barely know how to use Google Sheets. So I went analog

Someone brought up the Sheltered classes as we discussed our rationales, so I decided to push the agenda, “Exactly, so that’s why we’re going to collaborate on creating a draft of the master schedule. I was told that the department used to do this in 30 minutes, let’s do it together”

The teachers that said we could do it in 30 minutes were all shocked and acted like “oh my, who could’ve suggested such a thing”

They were so lost asking, “Well what do you want us to do?” “Just put up the same schedule as last year?”

I said “well, yes you can do that. No one’s schedules really changed, so just write down what your preference is like you all claimed you did before”

Cogs started turning. Homies put in their schedules. The old heads theirs. The previous department head pulled me aside as we analyzed the filled in the schedule on the board. “This doesn’t add up”

And that was the moment the admin were looking for. For folks to realize that this two month process in 30 minutes is futile. Bickering ensued.

Staff: “We’re contractually only supposed to have two preps, and the 3rd one is voluntary” *prep as in type of class, not prep period*
“There should be a designated person who teaches EL to fill this role”
“There’s not enough space for these sheltered classes”
“Our class sizes will grow”
“We don’t want to feel like first year teachers again?! It takes time to master your craft and become good at what you do”
“Having two preps is really difficult” “Three is harder!”

There’s a lot of things I couldn’t answer regarding the movement of course sections. This was unfortunate because I needed the admin at that meeting. Unfortunately, they had to conduct internal position interviews. For 22-23 SY we need 76 sections of English. I know the math adds up. But for some reason it wasn’t on the board.

Amidst the bickering, one of the staff asked, “Okay, well, it seems like the problem here is that Sheltered should go to someone who has one prep. So? How has one prep?”

Silence

The teacher from pt. 1 appealed to the “master of her craft” argument and that she “loves what she does”. Also that “5 sections of 9th grade is very difficult”.

This contradicts what all her friends just said.

As the conversation opened, teachers realizing that the easiest solution here is to switch out three of their Gen Ed 9th grade sections with the Sheltered English 1 courses. And suddenly, teachers but in about the poetry contest when I hadn’t moved the agenda because time was running low. The conversation was cut short.

Colleagues looked at the board schedule and realized there were one, rather three, too many English 1 sections written on the board. We were projected to have 16 based on the 22-23 SY enrollment. And there were 19 on the board. This just further proves the easiest solution is to take the teacher that has one prep and swap their courses with Sheltered English 1.

__________

Epilogue:

Today, many of my 11th graders saw the mock schedule on the board. Asking what it was. I explained to them the situation. And many of them saw the logical conclusion to solve the problem. They also had more understanding of the pressure and stress I’ve been under the past two months.

The end of the semester is two weeks away. And there’s still a lot of unknowns despite the story you just read. Internal positions can change the master schedule. On top of the influx of transfer students. Especially with current events causing ripples in the migration of refugee families.

There’s more to learn. And despite the chaos and stress. One teacher thanked me for bringing this conversation to the table. Despite them causing most of my headaches and making me feel small. Like I always tell myself. It’s a one degree shift.

Department Head dealing with entitlement and side-deals pt. 2

Prologue: This past month has been hell. And not because of the students. I don’t know what it is with teachers not knowing how to write emails or communicate in a professional manner. But it’s hella annoying that teachers do not understand how to act in an office/company setting.

The last time I wrote, I was pretty motivated to keep writing. I think I was lifted by the wind of Spring Break. Things were winding down and I finally had a moment to reflect and even celebrate.

But here we are again, feeling burnt out in the final stretch of the school year. I’m not entirely sure if it’s burnout, I think if I was burnt out I’d really want to quit this line of work. I don’t think that I have time to write, but I think it’s time to write and let my emotions “flow down the creek”.

Last time I told you about faculty in my department feeling entitled. Well, that hasn’t changed. If anything, it feel like it’s gotten worse. Handling white fragility or holding space for white people is so exhausting.

As I read their complaints, I try to empathize. From an employee standpoint, it sucks that these teachers feel like the admin isn’t hearing them. But at the same time, do something about the change instead of complaining? Figure out an alternative solution?

In one instance, a teacher in my faculty, who by the way came to my room in August before school started and said,

“Hey man congrats on the position. But I just came here to tell you I’m not coming to any of [your] meetings. You know, it’s just a waste of time”

Cool.

That aside, this same guy doesn’t want to teach English anymore. He’s been complaining about this since I got hired. He only wants to teach AVID. College readiness is great, but there’s no FTE position for just AVID at our school. Let alone there’s more than one AVID teacher and not enough student enrollment to make an FTE position.

The gist of his complaints is that no one is listening to him. That he has a health credential and should be teaching health as well. Even though again, there’s only enough room for one health teacher.

“I also know that I’m burnt out in regards to teaching English, I’ve made it clear, I’ve given a ton to the AVID program and I’ve gone out and gotten a Health Credential – and here I am still teaching 3 periods of ERWC. It’s frustrating…”

Honestly, if you’re that tired of teaching English, then find a position at a non-profit for college readiness? Or find a job elsewhere?

The other issue I have with this teacher is that he voluntarily took on a student teacher (ST). I was glad that he was quick to respond. He is a NBCT (Nationally Board Certified Teacher). A perfect example for someone aspiring to be a teacher. Just in the last few weeks, I found out that he’s really short changed this ST. He’s played hooky on multiple occasions, whether in class or in observations for the ST. With the university supervisor there. My TAs in those classes say he’s super disrespectful to them. And they complain, “he’s burnt out from what? He barely teaches us or is barely around”.

Another one of my teachers cried in the middle of the breezeway. Granted she’s known from crying under pressure. And in an unhealthy way dumps that on her students. But many other students have never seen that if they’re not in her classes.

As our AP Lit teacher, she is very disturbed and upset by the low enrollment for the 22-23 SY. Enrollment in 12th grade European Literature and AP Lit has declined every year since I’ve gotten here. Or if there hasn’t been a decline, they’ve fled to my homie’s sections because they don’t want to be in her class.

This teacher blames the other 12th grade option, the CSU ERWC Expository Writing class I mentioned earlier. It’s practically doubled in size since my site began teaching it. This teacher ridicules the class, that it’s not meant for all seniors. That it’s meant for B & C grade students who need extra prep before going off to college.

But what’s so wrong with students realizing they don’t want another AP class? Or not being interested in AP Lit? Or not taking 2 AP English classes in a row? Realizing that colleges don’t accept more than 1 AP credit? Or that they just think you’re a rude, harsh, condescending, exclusive, and even racist teacher?

I had so many of my past students come to me asking me why she cried. It’s a combination of white fragility and lack of accountability. This teacher questions everything except themself. They listed how hard they work, how dedicated they are. But in the end it just feels like everyone is shitting on them. Especially our admin. That she’s irrelevant to the students today. I mean a lot of that is the reason I was selected as Department Head over this person.

I even received an email that’s almost 1000 words, 2 pages, single spaced, that summarizes that entire conversation without mentioning we discussed next steps. Not that I need her praise in front of the department. But as my coworker put it,

“How is she going to do all that thinking just to miss the point?”

There’s a huge lack of accountability and reflection on this teacher’s part. She always is ready to point the finger at something else except herself. That we need to shift the minds of the students in order for them to start enrolling in regular 12th grade European Literature. Or that everyone in the department has to do something different so it encourages more kids to take her AP Lit class.

Does anyone else see how much easier it would be if one individual changed something about themselves instead of making 18 other teachers change just for that one class?

Epilogue:
It’s April 26th or 27th, 2022. I don’t remember when I wrote what you just read. But I’ve spent the last month on a downward spiral in my mental bandwidth with my staff.

I’m trying to be accommodating. Meeting the needs of my staff and the administration’s expectations (which aligns with a student centered lens).

But I have come to the conclusion that many of my staff are too entitled or selfish to change their schedules for the student enrollment data. And we’re talking classes for English Language learners.

I am willing to take on these sections that need to be filled, but my administration do not want me overwhelmed with my 10th/11th grade classes + being department head. When I have staff that haven’t changed their schedule in decades. Or are doing way less than those giving more of themselves to serve our English Language learners.

It’s honestly been very defeating. I’ve had dozens of meetings in the last month. 1:1’s trying to convince folks to do this for the community. And I get that teachers are already asked to do too much. But man it’s so disappointing to hear people say no for selfish reasons. And not even politely.

Just geniune “My needs aren’t being met” over the student driven data from enrollment.

Thanks for reading this far. Here’s to the last 6 weeks of the semester.

Department Head dealing with entitlement and side-deals

Prologue:

I’ve already made it very clear to my department that the direction of the master schedule will be based on the data from the Spring student course selection. This is not my decision, but instructions from the admin and counseling team. Makes sense, that’s a student-centered approach. Depending on the courses applied to will determine how many sections we need. However, that’s not the same response I’m getting from my staff.

___________

Some teachers are too much. It shocks me how teachers can be one person during class but an entirely different person outside of that. And I don’t mean that in a cool or mysterious way. Like when a student is shocked to see their teacher at the grocery store or movie theatre. In a shockingly immature, self-serving, and conniving way.

Whether it’s preference, embezzlement, power, or even complacency.

Most of the veteran teachers I’ve met at my site are all entitled and resistant to change. It shocks me that educators are so impervious to flexibility. I get it. Teachers are asked of a lot. And a little more flexibility stretches us too thin. But I would think when that ask is coming from a student-centered approach; it wouldn’t be so far out of the question.

Buzzwords are misconstrued and getting on the nerves of my veteran staff. Specifically “student-centered”. They feel that their needs aren’t being met. Here’s a gist of the needs that I’m referring to:

[extra] prep periods for AP teachers are being slashed. They don’t want to lose that prep period because it’s about “a quality of life”
- Therefore, those AP teachers will take on another section
Teachers don’t want to change grade levels
They do not want to change their prep periods

[Veteran] teachers in my department feel that in order for them to create student-centered classrooms, these needs need to be met first.

If these needs were something like finances or resources, sure. But it’s almost like unless they don’t get their way. Then it’s no to the students.

I see a fine line between striking for something like the recent SFUSD issues with teachers being underpaid or the teacher sickouts during the omicron surge versus needing more time to do nothing or resisting imminent change that’s better for the students.

I get that teachers are losing a prep period. But that’s an EXTRA prep period. I’ve never known AP teachers to have an extra prep until I started working at my school site. Even the heads of each academy at the school also get an extra prep period. I’ve learned recently that many of these ‘department’/academy heads are also pocketing more of their funding instead of sharing it equally with the other teachers who have dedicated classes to their cohorts. I get that teachers are underpaid. But that’s a different level of low or shady.

Teacher in my dept: “The admin will tell you that ‘you have an English credential, you should be able to teach any grade level’, but we all know that each teacher LOVES the content and grade level they teach. They cannot create a student-centered classroom if there’s no love”

Really? Emotional appeal? When I’m already 8 months into my position. With no guidance. Oh and you barely show up to my meetings or engage in collaborative activities?

Teacher in my dept: “Avery, if you want to build rapport with our [divided] department. You’ll want to get people’s preferences.”

Me: *nodding in agreement* “Yeah, sure. I’ll make sure to put something out and bring it to the admin in my master schedule meeting that way–“

“OH, no no no. You can’t do that Avery. You shouldn’t. You can’t let them know that you have that information. They won’t listen. You just need to have it you know. In your notes. And when they say something like ‘Oh we need this prep here’ you can just agree and *slip motion* change it per the notes!”
Teacher in my dept

Me: “Oh, okay, I just need to be transparent with them about people’s concerns”

Teacher in my dept: “They won’t understand. So you just have to do it”

I went to my predecessor for some insight. He put a rationale to why he got people’s preferences, “Really you don’t want to be the blame here. You’re in between a rock and a hard place. If the direction from admin and counseling completely changes someone’s schedule unfairly, they’ll point their fingers at you. Every year I created a mock schedule asking folks of any changes and that did two things:

They felt like their voices were heard. And I made it clear I could not guarantee anything
I could find out if someone was interested in actually changing grade levels or trying something new

Okay. So there is a less self-serving approach to all of this. But clearly, my predecessor understands. My staff doesn’t. Many of the people I’m supposedly managing have been teaching longer than my lifetime. And they don’t want to change.

I advocate for the change coming. As teachers, we can’t be complacent. If one of these veterans retires and teaches a flagship-class like ELD or Journalism. Then who will design and teach the next one? This department is ill-prepared.

___________

Epilogue:
For next year, I learned that I’m losing our ELD coordinator as they are moving to another state and job for personal reasons. The ELD coordinator helped keep the half of our department/school that works with our EL students together and left huge shoes to fill.

Our admin is doing their best to make sure there are no layoffs. But with the loss of the ELD coordinator, they may not hire a new teacher because of budget cuts. So what will happen to the ELD classes? Do we lose them? Or do we give them to our AP teachers with extra prep periods?

But people don’t want to be flexible or student-centered.

This is exactly why I am advocating for change. To prepare for the imminent retirement, pink slips, or career changes of my staff.

Breakthrough San Francisco

I started my career in education with a non-profit organization known as Breakthrough. This nationwide organization believes that all young people should have access to quality education and a clear path to college. They provide support for students from 5th-12th grade. And the location I joined was at the SF Day School, just down the street from my alma mater, the University of San Francisco (USF).

After I changed majors, I took it upon myself to find some way to gain experience teaching. I was looking for teacher aid jobs, private tutoring, but nothing I could find online really fit my needs. I didn’t know where to look. USF’s School of Education (SoE) held an on-campus resource fair for their students to network. Unfortunately, I missed every networking event for the SoE, fraternities, and other on-campus organizations. Being an off-campus transfer student was pretty tough.

Luckily, a program assistant from the SoE sent out an email with links to the various non-profits and organizations looking for students to work with. Every link asked for an essay, transcripts, recommendations, and various other requirements that were needed well in advance to complete their application by the deadline—some deadlines I had already missed, on top of missing the on-campus resource fair. In retrospect, I was probably too disorganized to meet any of these deadlines, but it felt like the world kept throwing me curveballs.

Breakthrough San Francisco was the only organization with open enrollment, volunteer-based, and had the least amount of requirements. I sent in an email and was soon after invited to interview with the program director. I’m sure it was surreal when I joined, but everything happened fast. I ended up at an orientation that trained all the tutors ranging from first-year high school students to college seniors and even parents. There was a minimum commitment of tutoring once a week. Over time I dedicated more of myself from one to three times a week.

At the time, my parents were upset that I was dedicating so many hours after school to volunteer instead of focusing on my studies or putting in more hours at work. But I wanted to immerse myself in the closest possible classroom setting I could get into before I got too deep into USF’s Dual Degree Teaching Program (DDTP). I did not want to regret my choice again. I fell in love with my tutees, or my students rather, than the actual act of tutoring. So much that even other students wanted to be a part of my tutoring group.

Breakthrough had done mid-semester check-ins with their tutors. And I think at this point, it was clear to the admin team that I was one of the few students who came from USF’s SoE/DDTP program. I remember some of the directors proposing the idea of their summer teaching fellowship to me. They suggested I apply, but I was not sure how committed I was yet. Come January, I had an interview with one of the directors for the fellowship, and informed me that applications were due that week.

As I dug through my emails and looked at my 2015 tutoring application. My responses show the attraction and love I had for the Breakthrough community. By Summer 2015, I found myself teaching in an intense nine-week program. One of the most challenging things I have done in my life. It was a full six weeks of teaching, planning, meetings, and organizing student life. You check out the fun captured in this recap video I made of that summer.

October 2021, I had the pleasure of reconnecting with the executive director of Breakthrough SF to be highlighted as one of their teachers for their annual report. It was a pleasure to reminisce and update an old friend on my growth and progress as a teacher. It was interesting to see how much I’ve changed as a teacher since I joined their program. Breakthrough SF set me up for success as a new educator. It gave me the field experience I wasn’t getting at school. It gave me the confidence to become a teacher. Read about our chat together here on Breakthrough SF’s website.

Breakthrough has had a larger impact on my life than just preparing me to teach. The lives I have taught remain connected to me today. It’s an honor to see some of my tutees in college now, making a difference in the world. Or running into them as we lead our lives. I’m blessed that Breakthrough gave me a chance. If it was not for them, I don’t know that teaching as a career would have played out as it did.

28

Prologue: I had planned to post this the week of my birthday. At least before the end of February, but I got sick after my trip to Seattle and Aya leaving. Luckily, I tested negative for COVID and didn’t get Aya sick either. But it’s more like a UTI turned bladder infection? My physician can’t even put a diagnosis on it, which doesn’t make me feel better either. Then work itself just keeps me busy. It’s only been 5 posts since my last birthday. So much has happened and it just shows how hard it is to keep up with writing. More so publishing.

—

2/22/22

I’m not sure why but this birthday feels particularly special. To many, it’s a special day. A hopeful one. A lucky one. Just based on its number.

But to me, it’s something I’ve been pondering and waiting for since I was a child. I always wondered what life would be like on this birthday. And for a while I forgot or never cared that I’d be turning 28.

But in particular. That on this day, marks 10 years of adulthood. 10 years I didn’t imagine would happen they way they did. 10 years ago, I was lost. I was doing the worst in high school. In comparison to many others, it was definitely above average.

But it wasn’t enough for colleges. The pressures of youth have been exacerbated by 2012. And of course, they’re much worse and more competitive now. But that didn’t change the imminent pressure of the unknown. Especially when you didn’t get a single acceptance to any of the schools you applied to.

In retrospect, I should have applied to more schools. Two universities sent me “acceptances” but I didn’t even apply to them. I wish I knew alternate options and wasn’t told I was a failure just because I didn’t get into a four year university.

10 years ago, I didn’t know what I wanted. And I had a lot of help, but it wasn’t very helpful. I can’t say that no one asked the right questions, but I didn’t have any sort of guidance on how to answer those questions. My counselor told me I wasn’t smart enough or didn’t have the grades to get into certain schools. Or that I didn’t have the grades for certain majors/programs. A lot of the advice or wisdom I received was to do what I was told. Whether that’s from society or my family. Instead of constructive feedback or steps to help me achieve my goals and aspirations.

At 18, my #1 choice lost my college application. And then they denied me a week later because they accepted the capacity of freshman for their welcoming class. At 19, I made the decision to transfer schools and move out. Then that November, I changed from a Biology major to English and a Teacher Ed program. At 21, I got my first [summer] teaching gig. At 22 I graduated college. I got my bachelors in English. At 24 I got my masters in teaching. And that Spring on my commencement I was offered a job. At 27 I became head of the English department. And now, I wonder where 27 went.

It was a long journey, but a fast one. When I look back it was quick. And everyday continues to prove a new challenge. A challenge for me to grow, to become a better version of myself.

As a kid, I always thought about this particular birthday. The day where all the 2’s line up. That on this day, marks 10 years of adulthood. 10 years I didn’t imagine would happen they way they did. 10 years ago, I was lost. And 10 years I spend comparing myself to others.

I wondered what life would be like. Where I would be. And I’m proud & blessed to say that I’m really happy to be 28. To more birthdays.

Epilogue:

3/17/22

Pretty sure I’m recovered. I feel it could have went faster if the water pipes didn’t burst in my parents house. Causing us to empty out the hoard house with urgency. The weekend before my return to work on 2/28 had been delayed due to me: recovering, moving items, lack of sleep due to construction, and falling behind work.

Despite all that, my Seattle trip with Aya was the best. It was a lovely first trip/vacation together—just the two of us. Though it was my ‘birthday weekend’ I’m so glad that Aya and I were able to get away from our homes and spend some time exploring the world together.

I was able to return to work on Friday, March 4th. And it felt good to be back. Though I felt discombobulated from my time away and procrastination. I think I’ve been able to catch up and hopefully plan a little ahead for April.

Enjoy some photos from our trip in Seattle

It’s been a long week

Prologue:

I only intended to write once this week. And make a post about it. But this week was hell. I know there has been worse. Especially in January. But I think there was so much going on. I think this reflected the epitome of what normalizing work within a pandemic is like. It’s a long one, so thanks for tuning in.

Feb. 07, 2022

Teaching feels like an endless race

Three weeks ago, I told myself that I needed a better relationship with time so I started using my planner to get myself organized again. Ngl, it’s been super helpful. I’m able to manage my tasks and prioritize better.

But every week feels so hectic. There’s literally hella shit to do just so I can stay slightly ahead or on time. And whenever I want to take personal time to myself, it puts me behind.

I’m just tired of feeling like I’m constantly going. I just want things to stop. I need a fucking break.

Like yeah, I can take a mental health day. But that doesn’t stop the anxiety from building. From the mountain of things that I need to get done.

Honestly, I could just not care as much. My problems would go away. But then nothing would get done, and what good does that do. A lot of these steps are necessary for the long run. It’ll help make my class more efficient. And allow me to be a better teacher.

But every day, week, and year for the past six years has felt like I’ve been chasing something. I’m glad that I have a goal in mind. But I’m tired.

I can do this.

Feb. 9, 2022

I felt better about today.

And then I didn’t. I got home exhausted. Ready to take everything on. But first, I decided a mental breather would be good. Turned into my body resting. Healing—from switching between teacher, video producer, editor, secretary, department head, events manager, salesperson, moving guys, teacher, and driving home.

All to get an email from a colleague criticizing my work at 7:51 PM. Who sends an email at 7:51 PM? I’m glad it was your time to have a glass of red wine and complain about a crucifix that my religious mother hung up in my room that doesn’t bother me but apparently bothers you.

It ruined my evening.

I don’t like being hung up on things. Because there’s better uses of my time. But I also know I’m bad at letting myself feel emotions. But that derailed my mental health breather.

I made a personal choice to respect my boundaries just for someone to invade them and throw off my motivation to do more work at home.

And now I’m out of time.

I get 4-6 hours of time to script, record, edit, prep, lesson plan, work out, stream, eat, shit, shower, sleep, meal prep. I don’t have time for your comment that is self-serving.

Ugh. I spend my whole day holding space for other people. And when I do for myself. It’s disrupted.

It’s a privilege that my main concerns are these. That I get to be concerned about myself—when budget cuts are happening. There are even larger problems going on. But my concern is I’m off track for my job responsibilities.

I’ll be okay.

Feb. 10, 2022

I don’t think any amount of money would make a teacher feel better.

I mean yes, of course, we need higher wages for teachers.

Realistically we need respect and time.

I get up and get ready at 6:30AM.

I spend 7 hours and 55 minutes on the clock. [I believe] Contractually obligated to be on-site until 4:00PM. 8 hours.

Depending on whether or not I have meetings can add another hour (at minimum) to my stay on campus. 9 hours.

Go home. 10 hours.

If I have capacity. I script, record, or edit lesson plans. 3 hours.

This brings us to about 9:00PM. In between that time, dinner occurs. So now it might be more like 10:00PM. Shower. Shit. Sleep. Pack some lunch. It might be more like 11:30PM if not midnight.

That leaves between 4-6 hours to hustle. So now you might wonder. Wait when did you grade? Or handle your department head/administrative duties? Or when did you do something for yourself?

At the sacrifice of properly facilitating for my students—I have to spend my class time juggling student aid, editing lessons, grading, and my department responsibilities. Yeah, I get two prep periods. But sometimes I’m subbing during those periods.

On top of that we’re facing budget cuts so I may lose some of my better newer teachers over the veteran-traditional-resisit-to-change teachers.

I feel like I’m rambling. So much happened this week. And hosting my department meeting was mentally/emotionally/physically draining. After helping run/supply the course fair for students into leading a meeting on changes to the E/LA dept.

And trying to navigate the pushback storm.

I have not been present at work. And it’s hard for me to even get any work done.

Even resting isn’t recharging me.

“I think teaching is the only job you have to work, before you get to work, so you have work to do at work. Then because I had no time at work to do work, I have to work after work to catch up on the work I didn’t do while at work”
Meme

Feb. 11, 2022

Finally made it to the end of the week. I’ve been so checked out since Tuesday. Our school counseling team created a Course Fair to help students learn about their course options for the upcoming enrollment period. Many AP teachers were confused and upset because they’re used to having an exclusive AP fair event to poach their potential students.

AP teachers here are notorious for seeking enrollment. Because their reputation precedes the learning of their curriculum. The past three weeks, I’ve been getting Karen emails from my staff because they keep mixing misinformation with what I’m getting directly from our admin.

It’s like, do you not understand that I’m being very transparent? And that’s all the information they’re giving us as liasons? Just chill and wait. People really stress out over very little things in schools. I know I do, but at least I try to be solution-oriented before asking questions before I found an answer or got stumped.

This week honestly started off really strong. But the Course Fair itself physically drained me. I volunteered to let the counseling team use my tables. But that’s moving 14 decently heavy, long, wooden tables from the 2nd floor to the nearby blacktop. We’d bring them down during 3rd period. Then I also participated in ‘selling’ students their English course options because my staff only talked about their AP courses. For whatever reason, San Francisco was hot both days. Then move my tables back up for 4th period.

Outside of the course fair, I still needed to create an agenda for my department meeting. Which I made it just in time to share before the meeting. But the meeting itself post-course fair was even more draining.

SFUSD passed to have Ethnic Studies as a graduation requirement. And so the E/LA department found that it should align itself with that change. It can be seen as a simple swap of themes for these courses. 9th is currently “World Literature” and 10th is currently “Ethnic Experiences in Literature”.

Quite vague themes, but by title it makes sense that 9th graders should be taking an English course that compliments their Ethnic Studies requirement. This ultimately would lead to a more intentional redesign of the E/LA curriculum to implement interdisciplinary collaboration and curriculum. Sounds great to be honest. I’ve been working with the district team on various components of this larger project since 2019.

And my veteran staff are against it. I mean I know they’ve been. But for the first time as department chair and in a department meeting they finally pushed back. Because I tried to take us one step forward.

I’m fine with the pushback. It’s just the questions that some asked and the belitting of another staff member, who is a part of the E/LA team and a teacher on-site. My staff has been constantly incentivized. That is the only way to get people to do things. They need a carrot hanging in front of them just to do their job. Or for mroe to be asked of them. But I refuse to do that.

I get it. Teachers already do TOO MUCH. But changing/cycling through grade levels, writing new curriculum. Isn’t that the job of a teacher? That’s what we were trained to do.

As mentioned in the other entries, I don’t have enough time to do my job properly. I get that I don’t have all the time to write a 9th grade curriculum either. But If I have to, I will.

Epilogue:
I guess the light at the end of the tunnel was that some of my staff told me they don’t dread department meetings ever since I became chair. And that meetings felt productive.

I also had the chance to participate as a Guest Teacher Panelist for a graduate class at San Francisco State University, which was fun. Students told me I was a great storyteller. And the professors said they’d love to have me back in the next rotation. I think I’ll save my experience on that for another post. Or create specific topics reflecting on questions they asked. It was nice being able to talk to rising teachers. Because that’s the whole reason, I created this blog in the first place.

I need a better relationship with time

This has been an exhausting 24 days. And this last week alone feels like the most exhausting.

6:45AM. Raisin bread in the toaster for 2 minutes. Hygiene stuff. Change. Grab lunch out of the fridge. Start the car. Hour commute. Class. Meetings. Hour commute. 5-6PM. Try to relax. Dinner. Plan. Shower. Shit. Sleep. Do it again.

If you followed along two weeks ago, I posted about the disappointing and difficult situation teachers and students are put in. I’m sure the previous weeks were worse? Mainly because of the danger omicron presented. Different weeks, different stress, I guess.

I think what’s been so stressful about the days following my last post is that we’ve been forced to normalize being in person. On top of the mental /emotional strain of the omicron surge, we’ve been asked to press on. The expectations of WASC, the BoE, or the district remain the same. They expect teachers to produce the same output without providing us proper safety and care.

The news reported that we would be getting weekly masks and tests. I only got one set prior to the MLK holiday. Though there are self-swab tests, we can take. That’s their write-off for our safety.

The stress definitely piled up. Not sure what the outcome of it was. But talking to my girlfriend, Aya, helped calm the storm and sort things out. We talked about my stress, and maybe I need to go back to listing things out. More so than just a to-do list, reminders, or Google Tasks.

Fortunately, the passion planner she gifted me in 2017 is undated and still has lots of room for use. So I took heed of her advice. I reopened my planner and listed things out. I have a lot to accomplish week to week. And that’s outside of lesson planning/grading for these department chair responsibilities. There are still some things I haven’t been able to accomplish. Even though this week felt hella long, I still accomplished a lot.

Hopefully, this helps me fix my relationship with time.

Saving face over saving students

This is ridiculous. Seeing the strain and pressure, COVID is putting on students. They all see that the system is failing them—prioritizing their dollar amount over their actual life.

I thought that being a department chair I could help enact some change. But I realize I’m still too small. I only now have a title behind my voice. At the most, I have only been able to force the hands of my site administration to bring us transparency.

I can’t even create a safe learning environment or provide PPE for my students.

Students all over the Bay Area, and now I’m seeing in New York, are walking out of schools or staying home for their own safety. I have multiple staff members in my department who are too afraid to return to work because of exposure or risk of contraction. I have too many family members coming to me seeking clarity on the situation.

And it doesn’t even feel like the Board of Education addressed the student delegate proposals last night. Or I just missed it.

Every day my class sizes shrink. I get emails saying “I’ve been exposed to someone that has COVID” or “My family member has COVID” or “I need to keep my child home to protect them from COVID”. And we’re not allowed to provide any form of hybrid or distance learning because it’s a breach of the district or state’s MOU regarding education.

The fact that there’s no transparency. The fact that I have to watch local news stations just to find out what the district has decided. Shows that they care more about their face than providing teachers/students that information.

Any educator is passionate about teaching. Regardless of their personality or how students view them. I’ve felt burnout. But this treatment is just disrespectful.

It’s not as bad as I thought: Progress as Department Chair

It’s been about four months since this semester started—four months as department head. At the onset, I was pretty nervous. As soon as I got the position in the spring, I was ready to take on responsibility. Though the previous chair did not want to put anything on me since I was not getting paid—I found it surprising that he did not accept or refuse my services to help?

I was more or less looking to intern or be under his wing to at least get a grasp of the situation. I attended one meeting about the master schedule for the 21-22 SY. But that was it. No transition. No tasks. No passing of information. With the lack of insight or guidance, I took it upon myself to start working on our book inventory. It felt good to refresh my office skills. I collaborated with our librarian to create a spreadsheet of the texts we knew were available—though we know that post-March 2020 lockdown and distance learning, there was no real way to gauge the exact inventory outside of our site’s digital database.

My predecessor was grateful, again expressed guilt as he got the extra pay and not me. But it was not my kindness or eagerness to learn, rather, the anxiety from the looming responsibility that scared me.

I know a lot comes with an admin position—and combine that with being a full-time classroom teacher. I was scared. And like the day I got hired, he pulled the same stunt. I asked for any [transitional] information or responsibilities I should be aware of. And he redirected me to two predecessors (one that doesn’t work at our school anymore) that he said would have better information or insight on our roles & responsibilities.

So the past four months have been me paving my own road. Placing the bricks one by one. And turning to my community when I need help. Our first remote meeting at the start of the school year, one of my colleagues stepped into his role as a new assistant principal. Out the starting gate, he exuded leadership, transparency, and reliability. It was not even a breath of fresh air, more like he established his expectations and tone before anyone could speak back—I was inspired and afraid.

“I could never,” I thought to myself.

But another Asian American man, my old classmate, became an administrator at our school. He was already an exemplary teacher, and I looked up to him then. How could I possibly be as good a leader if I’m not even as great a teacher as him? A lot of internalized oppression is inhibiting me from doing my job. But I had to convince myself to convert it into a positive-motivating force. Draw from his leadership and make it my own.

My family, friends, and colleagues constantly reminded me that I was the best fit for this role. That everything I have done over the past few years through professional development is what got me to this point. But I didn’t feel like any of those things taught me how to be a leader amongst adults—despite all the leadership positions I have held throughout my young adult life.

These four months have taught me a few things:

There’s nothing to be afraid of
- Because a lot of these ‘grown-ups’ act like children
- Entitlement and seniority is not a reason to be afraid to speak out
- “Step up and step out”—is something I said in high school at a summer leadership camp. And I need to do that now.
Not everything requires a response—especially emails.
40-something-year-olds will hate and resent you for no reason
- especially out of spite, envy, entitlement, seniority, or change
Change is good
- and creating systems that work more efficiently for me will be better for the department
I shouldn’t wait for the administration.
- The education system is pretty fucked. And I thought I didn’t have clear guidance on my responsibilities, but there’s really no clear guidance on anything.
I lay down the law
- I create and guide my department. I should take initiative in enacting change
- My ideas are only the first step, I need to take action
I’m not doing as bad as I thought

To the last bullet and the title of this post, I have concluded that it’s really not that bad. I’m definitely tired, but I feel like that’s because of the commute. Last week, the director of the EL department expressed frustration about our English teachers not completing their reclassification forms for their EL students. In past years, every person complains about:

“[we] should get paid extra for this”
“The expectation that we will do extra work just because we are told to — when there was no discussion or negotiation, no explanation, no involvement in the plan — feels unacceptable to me.”
“[Anyone]who has an extra prep period for attending to EL related matters.”
The teachers in my department

At the unfortunate expense of my colleague getting berated in an email thread, I realized that I had not gotten one of those all semester. Every instance of a Karen or entitled teacher in my department, I’ve either found/worked on a solution or shut it down. And this time, I stand by it. Peep the redacted email:

I’m nowhere near where I want to be as a department head. And I have a long way to go. It’s taken a lot for me to “step up and step out” as high school me said. But it’s reassuring to know that I’m doing alright. I’m getting a lot of positive feedback from colleagues, telling me I’m doing a great job. But I honestly don’t know what they’re seeing that I could even consider ‘great’ when the most my predecessor did was pass along information and victimize himself for being the messenger.

I’ve realized I’m missing many pieces to this job and that my predecessor failed to pass along a lot of new protocols and procedures my way. Now I’m the person who has to set things straight in his absence of work.

I’m not here to dangle a carrot to encourage these entitled boomers and gen-xers. I’m here to make a change for the students. And I hope that my time in this role will help establish that.

“Let’s hope I can actually enact [more] change”

The caption on my IG post at the start of the school year.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully, I can write and post more about what I’ve learned as a new teacher.

27

February 23, 2021
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I think the last time I wrote something was in the summer. After COVID, everything just turned back into drafts–waiting to be posted

I’m surprised to be 27. I had been telling family members that I remember when my older cousins turned 27. That I thought they were old. And now some of them are having kids. Here I am now. 27.

Still very young, but I feel like I’m forming a better understanding of time. I think I’ve spent a lot of my 20s thinking that I didn’t have enough time. After I turned 19, I felt that I had wasted so much of my life. I was too afraid or self-conscious to do anything.

Then I spent my early 20s grinding through school to prove my worth. And now, here I am in my late 20s, realizing how exhausted I am. This pandemic has put my work ethic under a magnifying glass. And since the summer, I’ve been in a constant panic/fear that if I don’t buckle up for the Fall 2020 semester, I’m screwed.

I think I’ve always been hard on myself, but I don’t remember how I learned to critique myself this way. I’ve always been criticized for not being good enough or capable in school, sports, or extra curricular. I never particularly excelled in anything. Even if I received an A in something like my secondary Mandarin classes, it was through hard work rather than demonstrating mastery over the language.

Despite any hardships or challenges I’ve faced, I’m very proud of where I am today. I never thought I’d make anything of myself or this life. I never thought I’d achieve something or work in a field that is so fulfilling. I never thought I’d accomplish the goals I set out. And especially at such an early age.

I was hard on myself. I didn’t think it was possible to get my master’s degree. Or have my hand in designing curriculum for the district. Or leading PDs for other teachers. I thought those were all things that admins do. But I’ve been fortunate enough that my hard work and anxiety paid off, unfortunately, at the cost of my mental well-being. But I’m trying to find a balance between it all.

After November 2020, I realized how much time I don’t take for myself. Or how I just haven’t been taking care of myself. Working from home is very convenient, but it’s also not healthy for me. The lines between ‘my office’ and home no longer exist. My bedroom is my office. I no longer have the separation of schedules or the gym to stop me from working. I no longer live in an apartment with my partner or housemates to stop me from working.

This past year has been a weird one. It doesn’t even really feel like a year passed. Maybe longer and also not at the same time. It feels like 26 never happened. Yet a lot happened this year. And I’m grateful that I’m alive, healthy, and well during this pandemic. I hope I can get back into writing and be creative for myself.

Thanks for tuning in. Hopefully, I can push out some of these hidden pieces in my drafts soon.